*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
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another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.