Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
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Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”