Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
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three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
🔦🌙👣
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?