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Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker