I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
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Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.