I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
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[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
whatcha thinkin bout
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father