Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
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If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.