Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
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doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
i love modern commerce
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time