Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
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One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly