Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
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DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Aight bet
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered