my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
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I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”