Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
You Might Also Like
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.