Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
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Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
the three branches of government
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*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
it must be school picture day
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Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair