he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
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Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Knock Knock
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what