Knock Knock
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My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral