Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
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“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No