I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
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Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
584.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.