I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
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The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
You are not alone 💚