Day 4. They suspect nothing.
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Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Smallpox sounds so adorable
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out