The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
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Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
awkward
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin