I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
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Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office