It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
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“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
What a chick magnet..
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did