If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
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You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Tough love is true love
When does CPR become necrophilia?
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Noted.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.