How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
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5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?