ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
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At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
I need to update my racial profile.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.