At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
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[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god