An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
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*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
I’d use my best pan on you.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.