Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
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Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
I am yelling
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.