🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
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You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.