I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
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My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.