If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
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“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
When you don’t understand how floors work