Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
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King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Check your privilege
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”