@DavidAdt1

Cashier: That will be $82.07.

Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.

Cashier: That will be $82.03.

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@pizzajaynow

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

@silent_musings

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

@hyperblastchic

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

@causticbob

Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.

Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.

@DadandBuried

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!

@NeighborGrumpy

3 – DAD! HEY DAD!

Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me

3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?

@

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

@zoebread

im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat