Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
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Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.