When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
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Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again