Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
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My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
How dramatic are you?
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.