Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
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[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
How your email finds me
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”