I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
You Might Also Like
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
This guy gets it.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
#StillHurts
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Sponch