I think I’m having a stroke
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I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long