Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
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I’d rather fork than spoon.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Dolls on drugs
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.