Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
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this has to be peak English
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.