“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
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One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
The photographer’s assistant
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Don’t forget to tip your server
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*