It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
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Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Note to self: always read the final line
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.