The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
You Might Also Like
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.