Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
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Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Squirrels before girls.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Spotted in New Orleans.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico