me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
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Anyone else having a near life experience today?
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside