Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
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idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that