My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
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added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.