Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
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When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.