Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
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Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life