Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
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If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.