Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
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When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.